How Far We've Come

In six days, I celebrate another birthday. (God willing.)

As always, I'm getting nostalgic and sentimental. I'm ~reflecting~ and diving deep. I'm taking inventory of all the good and the bad, the magical and the ugly, the challenging and the joy-giving. I'm thinking of all the big and small changes that have happened in my near 28 years on this Earth.

And you know what I can't help but think?

I've had a good, good life. I mean, I have gone through my fair share of trauma and struggle and suffering. (Don't we all?) I'm still a Melancholic Black Girl. But all my days, I have been loved and held up by an extensive tribe of family and friends and colleagues and collaborators and kin spirits. I have gotten to pursue some of my wildest dreams. I have laughed so hard, I've peed myself. I have cried because the joy and beauty and grace this world has offered me has been overwhelming. 

Like, ya girl is so good.

And I think I forget to take a moment to rejoice. I forget about the time I quit my job to follow my dreams and got to work from home in my pajamas for two years. I forget about the time I hopped on a plane to Europe to visit my best friend and fell in love with Paris. I forget about the time I hopped on a plane to New York and got to break my own heart open in the best city in the world. I forget about the time some friends and I created our own grassroots community organization, our own theatre production, our own web series. 

I forget that I am bold and fearless and ambitious and driven when I want to be. I forget I have the magical ability to dream what I want and go after it. I forget I have the tenacity to get myself unstuck when I feel like I've become stagnant. 

As I move into 28 and as I conjure more dreams, I just hope I remember to stay grateful and mindful of this all. 

Endings // Beginnings

I'm kinda depressed.

I know I'm not supposed to be. I know I am supposed to be full of joy and excitement that I have completed my grad program and graduate next week and am gonna go out and scream, "Here I am, Hollywood!"

But really, I am emotional and get annoyed with everyone and spend most of my time sleeping. And yes, I promise that I'm excited too. I'm proud of myself. I'm full of joy. But I'm also pretty sad. No one talks about how sad leaving film school can be and they should.

For the past two years, I've invested everything I could into USC's John Wells Division of Writing for Screen & Television. I was a student worker. I was a departmental assistant. I took extra units. I obsessed over every script I wrote like they were tiny kittens I loved and wanted to raise to adulthood. (I'm a cat lady, not a baby lady.) And almost anytime someone asked me for anything, I said, "Yes." I said, "How could I help?" I said, "I would love to."

Because I really have loved it.

I've never felt more myself than these past two years. I've never been happier or worked harder than my time at USC. And it's because I really love it here. (Still refuse to talk about it in the past tense.) More than I ever expected to. I love my cohort mates. I love my professors. I love my classes. I love my jobs. I love that everyday, I get to be a writer in a community of writers. And not just a community of writers, but the perfect community of writers for me.

I found my tribe. I found my village.

But now I have to walk away and I just don't want to.

I realize that I sound kinda whiny. I realize that this isn't some Big Terrible Ending. It's a Wonderfully Dope Beginning. I have so much to look forward to after commencement, I really do. I'm not lamenting my future. But I do think I'm grieving the end of a very beautiful, very magical time. And also a very stressful and emotional time too.

I mean, I put all other aspects of my life on hold so I could throw myself into this MFA program. When non-school friends (is it sad I call them that?) would ask me, "So what else is going on?" I would just stare at them blankly. What do you mean? For two years now, I haven't had anything else going on. I ate, slept, and breathed grad school. I'm not sure that was always the healthiest choice. But it was the one I made. I'm happy I made it.

I have no regrets. 

I got to live out my dream every day for two years. And if I am lucky and work hard, I may get to live out my dream for the rest of my life. I know that is a rare thing that is promised to no one. So in all of my whining and fits of crying, I'm trying to remember I shouldn't be sad. 

I should be grateful.

I got to do something I love with people I love everyday for two years. And that's more than most folks get in a lifetime. So yeah, I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm full of joy and hope.

But I'm also a grateful heart. 

Sup?

Hello.

You're here because at some point in my life, I told you I write things and tell stories and rant a lot and make inappropriate and/or poorly timed jokes and have this shiny, new website that doesn't get many visitors (yet)… 

Well, I thank you kindly for stopping by. Truly a huge boost to my ego.

In the coming months, I'll be figuring out what I want to do with this blog space. Because in a few months, I will be graduating from my MFA Writing for Screen & Television program at USC's School of Cinematic Arts. And to be honest, I have no clue what comes next.

All I know is that I love writing and telling stories and sharing all my business and entertaining people and wasting time on the Internet. So I imagine I'll be using this cute-ass blog to do a lot of those things as I figure it out.

Thanks for stopping by. 

With love and ratchetness,

MDJ