I Am Exhausted and Sad.

This has been an unrelenting year. And personally, this has been a most unrelenting summer.

I am fine. Today, I do not feel fine, but I am.

I don’t do well with change or uncertainty. And I don’t do well with chaotic or negative energies. I’m sensitive. One may even say an empath, but these days everyone is an empath, so… Let’s just go with sensitive for now. And all this year has been is uncertainty and change and chaos and darkness.

And personally, I’ve shouldered a lot. Resiliency is a beautiful thing, but it doesn’t make the burdens less heavy. And in the past week, I’ve felt the heavy of my resiliency.

Luckily, I think this season of needing to be a Strong Black Woman (TM) is coming to an end soon enough. And I think what will come after it will be restorative and healing and peaceful. As a matter of fact, I’m going to do whatever it takes to ensure it is.

I wish I had more to say, but again — I am exhausted and sad.

I Chose Not to Tell You.

One of the things to come out of pandemic was my decision to tell a friend whether or not I’ve had feelings for them for a while. I spent months and months going over this decision. I asked for advice from most of my closest friends. I talked about it with my therapist ad nauseam.

I don’t like holding things in. I have a lot of feelings. They are often very big and very deep. So when I feel something, it’s hard for me to let it go unexpressed. Because then I have to carry around this very heavy, very big feeling that digs all into my insides and takes up too much space. It’s uncomfortable.

But telling someone, “Hey, maybe I love you a little bit and maybe I always have,” is like, one of the biggest feelings. It can be a life-altering feeling. It can be a relationship-defining feeling. For better or for worse. Or a little bit of both. And so, that’s why I worked this decision to death.

Every time I decided that the benefits outweighed the consequences, I would have a change of mind. And then I’d feel like, “Well, if I still can’t make up my mind, then I should take a little more time.” And then finally, I decided, “Yes, one day I will tell them, but not now.” Now seems like a bad time for many reasons. (I could name them all here, but I’m not. Because I’m not brave enough.)

But just because I’ve come up with some very good reasons not to tell this person how I feel doesn’t mean I still don’t want them to know. Because I am so grateful for what these feelings have taught me. And I’m grateful for what their friendship has offered me.

So today, I want them to know:

You helped me learn a piece of myself more intimately. You’ve taught me what it means to be the smartest, kindest person in any place. I think the world of you. And though you’re probably not my person, you have set the bar incredibly high for who I hope to end up with one day.

Y’all, if you can tell someone you love them today and you don’t have to worry about it blowing things up, please do.