I should absolutely be asleep right now.
It’s 2am. I never stay up until 2am. 2am is usually when I wake up on my couch or laid out on my bed and go, “Oh, shit, time to go to bed for real.”
But tonight (this morning?), it’s 2am and I’m heating up pizza and watching The Office and feeling reflective and peaceful and a little expectant/anxious. But I am also tired… But I want to eat my pizza. So I figured I’d really dig into this rare moment — where I find myself awake and present and active at 2am — to update this blog I always talk about writing, but never actually write.
I think maybe three people on the Internet read this blog (and honestly, I’m OK with that), so forgive me if y’all aren’t into spiritual or woo-woo shit. But I’m big into spirituality and woo-woo shit. And in this moment, I’m feeling particularly spiritual. Also, reflective. I think it’s because it’s very late/early and I’m very tired and I just spent a good chunk of time writing, which is just as much a part of my spiritual practice as it is my creative or professional practice.
I find it’s easier for me to root myself in my spiritual practice more when (a) I want something, (b) I’m anxious about something, and/or (c) my schedule is more fluid. But also, it’s easier when I feel empowered. And in the last week or so, I’ve been really feeling myself and my power. Somedays, it makes me feel… Scared. Uncomfortable. Frustrated. Humbled. Somedays, it means me feel… Beautiful. Held. Big. Audacious.
This past year, I’ve oscillated a lot between feeling powerful/empowered and disempowered. There’s a lot of reasons for that. Some of them are very obvious (COVID, lockdown, election, racial reckoning) and some of them are less obvious.
For all of it, I’m grateful. Because I am at my best when I am growing and learning and healing and in communion with the world around me.
Anyway… My pizza is ready.